the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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