Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
