I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
