A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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