They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
