Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
