My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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