Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
