when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize