I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
