Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize