What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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