His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
