I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
