he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
