You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
As shirtless as possible
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
