Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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