he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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