I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think your dad took our porno
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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