Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
