i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
