I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
