you would pick up someone in the library
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
