I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
