so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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