Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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