now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
