i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize