im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My pussy is not your playground.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
