my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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