He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
