the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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