I wanna passion pit in your ass
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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