i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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