it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
