I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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