Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
