My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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