headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
