We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
