i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
