I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
