I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
