I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
