I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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