doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
