Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
