he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
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