ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
