what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
