Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
