i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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