one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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