This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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