glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
