I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
