That's when you crack a 10am beer
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
