The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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