Need sex. Gaining weight.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can I color on your dick again?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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