Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
