Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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