my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
