Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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