awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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