Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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