dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
