I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
