if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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