I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
