Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
