Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
