Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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