why didn't you poke me back
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
