Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
