the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
