ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
